Charlie’s Wedding, A Play in One Act Essay

Gertie, a black woman, dressed in elegant black satin, stands at the window, her back to the audience. She may be polishing the glass or she may be eves-dropping on the two fashionably dressed white ladies, Mona and Sheila, who sit on a divan directly behind her, facing the audience. Mona: What on earth did he say then, Sheila? Sheila, (smiling coyly): He said he wants to marry me, of course, silly. Mona: But he can’t do that†¦can he? I mean†¦(a pause) Well†¦ you know what I mean. Men like him†¦ Sheila: That’s just the point†¦ men like him†¦they can do whatever they want. Mona: Well, I’m just saying†¦they don’t buy a cow when the milk is so cheap. Sheila: Well, he might buy the cow that gives milk as good as this one does. Mona feigns embarrassment, her hands going to her face as she buries her head in her hands for a moment. Gertie moves to the right and looks at pictures in frames on the mantle of the fireplace, now obviously listening, cocking her head to hear better. Mona: Girl, you have no shame. (Giggles) But you are about to graduate from here anyway. You don’t have to marry, you don’t have to do anything but pack your bags and run, girl. Sheila: But I might just want to get married. Isn’t it what every young lady is reared to do? Aren’t we born and bred to be the wives and ornaments of powerful men? Isn’t it my duty as a woman? Isn’t it my calling? My raison d’etre? (Misprounounces the words) Mona: If it’s what you want, then by all means you should do it. Be my guest. I will dance at your wedding with a cow-bell on. But it’s not going to be to that two-timing Charlie O’Brian, I surely do hope, child. Gertie moves until she is standing at the side of Sheila, picks up a small bowl from the end table and is wiping it slowly. Sheila: Well how can you be so presumptuous? I mean, what do you know about it anyway? And why do you say he is a two-timer? If you know some gossip that I don’t then you are bound by your duty as a woman to tell me. Gertie puts down the bowl and speaks: Yes, Miss Mona, do tell all you know about this two-timing Charlie O’Brian. Do you have some reason to suspect he may not be as morally upright and Christianified as he purports to be? Is he, perhaps†¦a†¦man of low degree? The three women laugh and Gertie takes a seat in the chair, in profile to the audience, putting her feet up on a ottoman and fanning herself from her labor. Gertie: Let me tell you about men†¦ all men. They are idiots†¦all idiots, and Charlie O’Brian is their Lizard King. They are all just big boys. They never grow up and they never think with the head they have on their shoulders. I know you can guess which head it is that they do think with, without me having to say. But they control the money and politics and they control the laws and we have to work around them to get what we want. Now, as for this Charlie O’Brian, he has proposed to half the women in this sorority and that is a natural fact. He got big drunk last Christmas and asked me to run off with him. I told him that for twenty dollars I would run into the pantry with him for a spell, but that is all of the running I meant to do. Child, no man is ever faithful to no woman and I will tell you how you can be sure of what a man is up to. If you think he is faithful to you then he is most likely cheating on you. But if you think he is cheating on you, then he is positively cheating on you. And you can take that to the bank, honey. Sheila: We all know how men are. But Charlie is different. He loves me. He really does Gertie: Sugar, last year he loved Abbie, and the year before that he loved Sara Lynn. He loves a lot of ladies. And lots of ladies love him. But ain’t none of them ever got a brand on his li’l narrow behind. Mona laughs: Gertie, you are such a romantic soul. But you are wrong about Charlie boy. He loves a lot of women but he don’t love any of them. We all know about commercial affection. That’s why there are sporting houses and sporting ladies who can be found in them, and men know all them and they go sow their wild oats and then pray for a crop failure. Charlie O’Brian haunts sporting houses. He is a sporting man. He is going to leave you crying. Sheila looks at Mona, irritated: Well Miss Know It All, that just proves my point, because men don’t marry sporting ladies do they? They marry good girls, from good families. They marry ladies of wit, breeding and sagacity. They go sow those wild oats but then when nesting time comes around they look for a woman who is better than any sporting lady. They look for someone who can entertain for them, can give them sons and can keep their home for them. I don’t care where my man gets his kicks so long as he kicks his boots off at home with me. I am a pragmatic person. I understand the ways of the world. I did not just fall of no turnip truck, and believe it or not, I did not come to this town riding two to the mule. Mona looks at Gertie who shrugs her shoulders, then speaks: Honey, you are missing one very important point. You are too good for Charlie O’Brian. He is beneath you and that’s a fact. You will never be happy with someone like him. He is common as dirt. He is in the trades. He will keep you filled up with a belly-full of children and leave you barefoot and pregnant. He is not good enough for you. Get him out of your pretty little empty head. Now, lets discuss this party, we have to finish these plans. We are really getting short of time now. Christmas will be here before you know it and we can’t wait til the very last minute. Gertie stands and picks up her dust cloth and moves behind the divan, facing the audience, looking down at the other two girls: This party is going to be such a bore. Boy girl, boy girl, boy girl†¦so boring. We should invite some transvestites and some of them folk what you call hermaphrodites of both sexes and let everyone try to guess who is who and who has what and just see how that messes up the seating arrangements. (Laughs) Mona: That would make it a party to remember. Do you know any real transvestites? Oh, I’m sure you do. You are so worldly, Gertie. (Mona and Sheila laugh) Sheila: Well, I’m more interested in making wedding plans than Christmas party plans. I want the wedding to be here. Right in this room. We’ve all have had so much fun here, and there are so many good memories associated with this room. Yes, I’ve made my mind up. I want to come down those stairs (points off stage, left) and I want all my friends to be here and see me on the happiest day of my life. Gertie: Girl, you are serious? You said yes to Charlie O’Brian? Sheila nods and speaks: I told him last night. He said he wants to marry me on New Year’s Eve. I told him I was going to go away for the holidays but he asked me to stay in town. It’s official. I told him I will marry him on New Year’s Eve, just like he wants me to. Mona: Sheila, please, listen to me. Charlie O’Brian is no good. I would never say a word to harm you but I can’t sit here and watch you just dash headlong off of no cliff. He is not the man you think he is. He is not a good person. He is a liar and a fake and he will end up dead or in prison and he will drag you down with him. You are too fine a person to make such a terrible match. You just can’t let yourself sink to his level. Sheila: Mona, please. Why are you doing this? What have I ever done to you that you would disrespect me so much? Charlie is the only man who has ever treated me with any of the common courtesies. He doesn’t paw me, or try to kiss me when we are alone. He behaves like the perfect gentleman. Gertie puts down her dust cloth and moves back to her chair, She pulls it closer to the divan and sits down, leaning forward conspiratorially: Sheila, child, I may be out of place to say this, but Mona is right. That Charlie O’Brian is bad news. Don’t you know he got into a fight with a man over a card game? In a public place? He is one step from disaster all the time. He is a common ruffian when he is drunk and he is drunk most all of the times. He can’t be trusted any further than you could toss a bull by the tail. He is a daddy’s boy and won’t ever be nothing that his daddy don’t let him be. Hasn’t your schooling here taught you anything? It seems at least you would have learned to read men. Child, I’m saying this for your own good, Mona is right, you can’t marry that Charlie fellow. He is not good enough for you. I beg of you to reconsider your answer and tell that Mister O’Brian that you have reconsidered and you find that you cannot become his wife. Sheila buries her face in her hands sobbing Mona leans forward to comfort her, but Gertie gestures for her to stop Gertie: Child, I am sorry that I have made you feel bad but the simple fact is that you have to recognize that what Mona and I are telling you is for your own good and it is the gospel truth. Sheila stands: I don’t want to hear anymore of this. I don’t know how you figure that Charlie is not good enough for me. He has a good position in his father’s business and he can take care of me. I know that it’s not considered proper but he and I have discussed finances. I have agreed to put my trust money into a business proposal which he has become interested in. He is sure it will put us on easy street and I believe in him and I believe in his ideas. His father will finance half of it and I am going to put in the balance. But most importantly, ladies, he loves me passionately. We have spoken of our future together and we have decided to marry quickly without any long engagements. You ladies know I was orphaned and this sorority is what I reckon as my family. It’s the only family I have ever really had. You are all as close to me as blood sisters could be and I do appreciate you trying to look out for my best interest. But you just don’t know Charlie O’Brian like I know him. He wants me for the rest of his life and I want him the same. Sheila walks slowly out of the room, stage left: Gertie, to Mona, in a soft voice: What are we to do? Mona: What can we do? Gertie: Has she lost her mind or is she just yanking our chain? I swear I can’t get a fix on what she is thinking. But I’m prone to think she is believes this. That he is going to marry her. My god, this will destroy her if that is the case. Can we get Miss Edith to ban him? Keep him out of here? Mona: Miss Edith? Ban a paying customer? Are you a crack ho? Gimme a taste of what you is using. I don’t want no whole one†¦ just gimme a li’l taste, girl. Gertie laughs, then speaks: If he came in here and beat her up†¦if he broke her ribs, Miss Edith would ban him. Why let him break her heart? Mona: How long has she been here? Seriously? How can she believe anything a john tells her? She has served her indentures and is going to leave inside of six months with a nice piece of change. Hasn’t she learned anything? This has to be some kind of elaborate joke, don’t you think? You know how she has always been. How she calls us her sisters†¦how she call the house a sorority. She isn’t serious, and she isn’t putting on airs. It is just her way of coping with being a prostitute. But, lordy, what if she is smitten? What if she has fallen for the no good scalawag? Gertie: You want to know what Charlie O’Brian has in mind for a business deal? He wants to buy this house. Do you think he plans to get some funds out of her by saying he will marry her? Maybe we should tell Miss Edith all about this plan. Mona: No, I just had an inspiration. Why don’t we go the other way? Why not talk it up. Go overboard, all out in favor of it? Make it a matter of public record? Announce the engagement. Announce a big wedding right here on Christmas Eve? Let young Mister O’Brian put up or shut up? We just pretend we accept it as a done deal. We just go on with the wedding plans. Gertie giggles at the thought, then speaks: No! Wait†¦We are goin’ to be all decorated up for Christmas. We get Miss Edith to announce the imminent wedding when Charlie gets a few under his belt this coming Saturday night? We tell Miss Edith its just all a big joke on Charlie. We get the piano player to play Here Comes the Bride and let Sheila come down them stairs right there in a white gown. Charlie is all hat and no cattle but we can fix that. I know how. It looks like a win-win situation for us. He either backs out, and looks like a liar and a fool, or he goes ahead and marries a lady of the evening, which will cause his daddy to cut his manhood off so he can’t reproduce. (laughs) It would be so appropriate to have him look like a four-flusher or a fool in front of all his peers. We can get Parson Maybury to hang around just in case we need a few appropriate words†¦in case Charlie is drunk enough to do it. Oh my god, what I wouldn’t give to see him wake up the next morning married to Sheila. Mona: Miss Edith would never let us jack with a customer like that. Gertie: Not if she thinks we’re serious. But so long as we put it to her as an elaborate joke done in good honest fun†¦ It will be perfect for the holidays. We can convince her its entertainment and will bring in some new customers just to watch Charlie O’Brian marry a working girl. Arnie Harris works at City Hall. He will get me a blank marriage license if I ask him sweetly. We have good ol’ Harry on the piano. Todd Baker can take the wedding photos. Most of the men in this town dislike the O’Brians and would enjoy a good laugh at Charlie’s expense. You know, probably fifty per cent of the men in this town have gone up those stairs right there at some time in their life. (points) Then there is forty per cent of the men in this town who wish they could. Which leaves us with about ten percent who would like to take care of the 40 per cent who can’t make it, but that’s another story, but about ninety-five per cent of them do not like the O’Brians. Mona: Oh my god, girl, that would be the funniest thing I ever saw, to have spoilt, rich, pampered goodie two-shoes Charlie O’Brian married in the parlour of the finest House in all of New Orleans. And see the pictures spread all over the Sunday Times- Picayune†¦in the society section. We can make up a guest list. Include the governor’s name. Oh my god†¦girl, you’re a genius. (laughs). We don’t have to say they came, just say they was invited. Every man in town who is not an actual customer is fair game. Miss Edith would have our heads for revealing the names of actual customers but there ain’t no social taboo against revealing names of customers of the competition is there? Gertie: No, I would reckon they are fair game. Mona: We got to let Cloonie in on this. He can get some of the guys to go along with this. Bring in some tuxedos for the wedding party, for the pictures. Get a pen and paper, Gertie, we got to make a list of everything we need. I want it to be just perfect for Mister Charlie O’Brian’s wedding. What do you call them little fancy flowers men wear in their button hole? Well, we even want to get some of them. Oh yes, we have to do this up right. Charlie’s momma may want to send these pictures out to all the relatives who couldn’t actually make it to her son’s social event of the season, a whore-house wedding. Gertis: I’ll check to make sure, but Beaulah usually keeps some of that laudanum on hand for her croupe. If she is out she can get Doc Baines to send over a fresh bottle. Charlie will go to ordering his fancy little stemware glasses full of brandy and benedictine†¦he thinks that’s so posh†¦then he slips into that god-awful fake English accent and goes to calling himself Mister B and B. That sweet mess has such an odor about it that I could pour in a cup of creosote and he wouldn’t ever come close to tasting the difference. He sure won’t notice no dab of laudanum poured in. After a couple of shots of that stuff he will be cocked and primed. He will do what ever he is told to do, and smile while he is doing it. Mona: You know, there aren’t many of our customers who are disliked enough for us to pull this off on them. But Charlie O’Brian is pretty much universally thought to be a piece of human detritus. Everyone thinks he is a smarmy low life. This is perfect. Gertie: well, not totally perfect. We still aren’t sure where Sheila fits into all of this. What she is really thinking. Does she believe Charlie or is she just blowing smoke up our dresses to pass a cold winter day? Mona: Well†¦what difference is it? If she wants to marry him, she is going to end up married, with a ring and a license and she legally owns half his property as well. If she doesn’t, then we tell her it’s just all one big practical joke and we laugh about it. Gertie and Mona stand, Gertie speaks: That’s the thing I miss most about being in the sporting life. I miss the weddings. This is going to be some good fun. (Both women exit the stage, loudly humming The Wedding March)